3 fun everyday differences between India and America! ☺
A year ago, I moved from Mumbai to San Francisco and it’s been a great adventure. People often ask me about the transition, especially about the differences between the two countries.
The answer to that question, as you can imagine, is very long. There are many conspicuous differences in culture, tradition, standard of life, religious and political beliefs, to name a few.
Although I enjoy learning and talking about all of the above, in today’s post I want to share 3 key differences I have learned to actively manage everyday.
These are:
- Personal space,
- Conversations,
- Gratitude (saying ‘thank you’)
These stand out to me because my typical day includes interactions with friends and family from both countries and I have to tailor my actions and thoughts accordingly.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a chore! ☺I absolutely enjoy learning about people and the way we interact with each other. Acknowledging these unique differences helps us connect with people in our lives even more, and for me, these connections are what life is all about. ☺
If you have moved to a new place or enjoy thinking about these differences in general, I would love to hear your stories and learn from your experiences too! Please do share!☺
Before we jump into the fluorescent depths of the Disneyland-esque all day carnival that is my mind, I want to call out that none of these characteristics are wrong, right, better or worse; they are all just different. Different in their own unique, special, and most importantly, beautiful, way.
Needless to say, my opinions are only based on my experiences in the small cities I have lived in, in these two really big countries!
I truly enjoy aspects of each of these two fascinating cultures. I’m humbled that I get to choose parts that resonate with me personally and that I can build my identity by borrowing from both, everyday.
- Personal Space — ’Yep, he’s a hugger ☺’
This is one of the first things that most people notice. It is very obvious to feel but not easy to explain. For a moment, lets think of ‘personal space’ as an actual spherical blob of a viscous substance around our bodies. In America, it is easy to see that the radius of this circular space is bigger than it is in India.
Funny stereotypes and light-hearted memes often times have their origins rooted in some truth. It is an accepted rule of thumb in the West that one should not sit in a seat right next to someone if there are other seats available. I never once thought about this actively in my 23 years back home.
In India, it is very common to see straight middle-aged men walking in cities with their arms around their friends or with their little fingers intertwined. I learned of the latter meme when I moved to San Francisco. I was in Mumbai, Bhubhaneshwar, Hyderabad and Delhi this Feb, and I can confirm that I did see this frequently in all four cities once I was looking for it.
There is a higher amount of physical contact on a daily basis and friendly physical affection between people (even strangers) in India, especially within friend circles of the same gender and within extended families.
The amount of love and affection people feel towards their peers or families is the same everywhere, but the standard way to express these feelings varies between the two countries. In the West, a physical act of friendly affection like a hug is considered very special, and that is probably why it is less frequent. If I were to give the same number of hugs per day to acquaintances as I used to in India, I would definitely stand out in America as some one who hugs people a lot.
I’ve spent time on trying to understand the origins of this behavior, and there are multiple theories out there. Starting from T.M. Luhrmann linking these community behaviors to pre-historic agricultural patterns, to other anthropologists who think that religion, climate or key historical events led to such behaviors to emerge.
From my personal experience I think that population sizes and affluence play key roles too.
Population: In a country of 1.2 Billion people, there is literally much less space around you, just for yourself, since you are born. Living in joint families of 10+ people, commuting in over-crowded trains and always having a crowd around you at any street leads to less time spent thinking about large amounts of personal space as a basic requirement.
Affluence: As people get richer and own more things individually, they are more cognizant about individual ownership of things and space and value it more.
The way I deal with this on a daily basis is to actively gauge people’s body language and expectations with physical contact, irrespective of where they are from. Once I think I understand someone’s threshold for friendly physical contact, I tailor my interactions to suit their comfort.
To summarize my approach here: No matter who you are, if you’re a hugger, I’m a hugger. If you’re down with only high-fives, then so am I! ☺If one has two really close friends A and B, I understand that a high-five for A, might be the same as a hug for B.
2. Conversations — ‘Nice to meet you. So, how much do you make? ☺’
It took me some time to adjust to this one.
In India, initial conversations between two people who just met, skew towards details about their families, jobs and income. Whereas in America, you can spend a lot of time talking to some one new without talking about any personal information at all. Conversations tend to center more around common interests and less around specific personal details.
I remember my mom telling me that it was rude to not ask about family when I meet someone new. In America, those same set of questions probably would not be appropriate to ask some one you just met.
This also ties into a much broader theme of different ways in which people define their identity in different cultures. A person’s family is a big part of her/his identity in India. When it comes to defining identity, the West encourages individuality in the same way the East celebrates community. Currently, I am enjoying this environment around me in America, and I have become more self-aware and independent as an individual.
Another question that is okay to ask a stranger in India, but not as much in America, is: the exact figure of a person’ income.
Last year I attended a close friend’s wedding in Delhi. I remember that I was asked this question in at least every third conversation I had that night and on the entire trip. If it is a mutual acquaintance, I answer them honestly. If it is a complete stranger, I tell them the range but not the exact amount. Before moving out of India, I frequently asked people this too.
The way I deal with this on a daily basis is to let the other person lead the conversation till I can figure out the parameters within which she/he is comfortable conversing. I do take risks but only if I think I know the person well enough, or if I want to know them well eventually.
To summarize my approach here: I consider myself an open book and I am aware that I usually over-share. Hence, if you turn 5 pages of your book, I will turn 6 or 7 in mine. More importantly, I will definitely respect the cultural expectations you have in your mind of appropriate questions to ask or answers to share.
3. Gratitude — to say, or not to say ‘thank you’ {that is the question ☺}
“Thank you”.
The frequency of use of these two words caused me a lot of confusion when I first moved ☺.
You will find a lot of healthy debates in countless reddit threads titled: “Today I learned that saying ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ is rude in Indian culture”. That claim is obviously an extreme one but there is some degree of underlying truth to it.
In India, respect and gratitude are implicitly expected and acknowledged without having to call it out with words. In fact, thanking some one verbally can sometimes come across as “too formal” or “cold/aloof”. It implies that they didn’t expect you to perform the nice act in the first place, which in itself might be hurtful to someone. Especially within a family, it is not common to thank each other for every small action in the day.
In America, it is a matter of basic manners to acknowledge every act with a polite ‘thank you’. In India, my friends, my extended family, my mother and even acquaintances have gotten angry with me for using ‘thank you’ at the same frequency I do in America. From their perspective it introduces a layer of formality in the relationship that they equate to an increase in distance between two people. The saying “you never say thank you to friends” is still a popular one in India.
I find the explicit system that I am now used to in America very useful, primarily because it is very easy to tell (to a certain degree) if some one is a nice person or not. Most people here are very polite and hence the ones that do not care enough to be so, easily stand out.
The gratitude and love that people feel towards their friends and families in both countries is the same, but the way people express thankfulness and acknowledge kindness is different.
To summarize my approach here : The way I deal with this everyday is to be aware of the model the other person believes is appropriate: Whether it is an informal confirmation that is expected or a hearty “thank you” said out loud.
Overall I would like to emphasize again: It is really fun and important to be cognizant about these general approaches that both cultures take, but it is more important to recognize each individual and her/his choices outside of the context of where she/he is from.
Let’s not let these stereotypes hinder us from truly understanding one another.
As we all know, there are exceptions to each stereotype, but more importantly, each individual is too unique to ever be completely defined by one.
These approaches really help me form deeper relationships every day! It’s been only a year and I can’t wait to learn more! Thanks for reading! Cheers!
